Speechless

Dear diary, 2014 is the most wonderful year and also the worse year I ever get. But every time I learn many things. Life is not like what I imagine and also what I expected. Some people can make their dream come true but some people stop to dreaming and half people still keep dreaming. I am learning my things in this year.

I learn to cook although the taste and shape is not perfect, but at least I want try to do anything. I also still keep find something who will make my life better. I never give up to find my perfect job with the good income plus.........

I also find the new desire on this year, that is learning dutch language. This language so difficult and so complicated difficult. It is remind me every time I got pass day by day on 2014. I am still believe one day will be perfect years.

Dear diary, do you know if the end of this year always make me afraid. I am afraid become old. Honest from the bottom of my heart. Because my dreams still many and one of them still not real. I wish all can be real then I become the wonderful woman in the earth.

I find the happiness from island to island but I never find my desire happiness. I really want to hiding from the world. Find some small island which nobody know that island. Life there like in the rock time,

maybe cute ya :) near beach and doing anything without stress from the many pressure in alive. But I know that is just one of movie part in somewhat I show it.

Dear diary, life is hard and whatever it hard and making me weakness and crying. But I always keep smile, although it so difficult. I have secret to make me strong and stand in my feet. I look people who has more low level then me. I saw them and think about how is wonderful my life.

What should I need, God give me good health, good idea, good knowledge and making me never stop to study and study. If I have a lot of money, I still have desire to continue my study and also making my dream become more real. Writing and create you book to help people. I want to be good writer and God voice will be heard and the children become good moral because read good books.  I want my message people can get it.

The happiness is not what you think about become rich, but how you used your life. Do you remember Princess Diana, how she is making her life to the poor people. So hero woman when I was high school. Dear diary, I know I don't have hero or someone who care of me. Sometimes when I am in my room, thinking about my life, sometimes I don't understand what desire I wanna be?

But The most important I just wanna be good and become good till God call me (pass away). Become good person is very difficult then bad person. Your heart become hurt everytime you realize someone or people hurt you but you should forgive them. When you get trouble and none help you, you should stand in your own and don't do some like they do. You should smile in around people but you are crying alone in room or in the toilet, then you out with the bright smile and like something never happened or broke your heart or day.

Sometimes I stop pray because I speechless. I don't know what should I say, I am so very hurt and disappointed. But then I realize, I am doing like childish, when the FATHER don't give candy and I feel disappointed and I think FATHER is not loving me anymore. Nee, in dutch meaning NO. God is caring and
the way He is caring sometimes is not like what we want or expected. Because God is not magic stick who will make what your wish will be come true.

Dear diary, I realize many times I fall down, many time I am be drowned, I rejected God's hand but He never leave me alone. I always can feel the magic of God around my life and I still refuse it because somewhat is not like what I expected. I am upset and crying like a baby? Please, it will not be my list on 2015 later.

I wish the end of this year I can find the magic and amazing ending 2014. I should believe God plan is more wonderful then my plan on my mind which I don't shared here. Dear diary, I wish my faith and my mind will be keep strong and positive whatever life hit me and broke my "bone" but I still focus with the God plan.

Dear diary, life is learning, sometimes you don't like the other chapter, you just like another chapter. But the hole stories in this year always contain to make you learn every time life is bring you joy or sorrow.